sweartoyou | Ryslig

When that public post was made, and Riley's little friend attacked me in my office, I was indeed angry. There's no use in lying and pretending otherwise on that point. But now, thinking about it, I'm just tired. And maybe that's a sign that I was inevitably going to make a mistake sooner or later that would have allowed the same events to play out anyway, even if you had not said anything.

[......]

I suppose the old me would have used this as an opportunity to try to force you to cut ties with either one of them and depend only on me instead. But I know now that sort of thing would never work, nor would it really make you happy. So instead I will say to try giving it some time, for both of you to cool off and think about the situation more calmly. Some time apart might make Aunamee realize he misses having you by his side as well.

yeah
Sorry about that

[Like, she's not gonna tell Mukuro what she can and can't do, and far be it from her to not understand someone for trying to kill Danny, but if her opinion had been asked, she wouldn't have been in favor of the "end this man" course of action, this time. Now she feels it even more strongly, knowing how much fun they were able to have after.

Aunamee is the only one that things haven't gotten better with. Is it a sign? Maybe.]

do you truly think he will? and is that right?

[...]

I don't know. But I want to think that he will. As for whether it's right or not, it's still up to you in the end whether or not you want him back. You're the one who gets to choose who you consider as family, Rachel.

it's just...hard to understand now
I was so different when I decided to love him
now I love him but I don't know if I would have if I met him like I am now
He doesn't trust that I can accept and love him even if he isn't perfect.
He wants a me that can't exist the way you once did.
I don't know what to do.

I miss Zack so much

[For a moment, Danny can feel his fangs dangerously bite down on the inside of his cheek in annoyance. No matter how much he tries to change, it's still going to be a sore spot hearing Zack's name coming from Rachel, being able to see that she would probably be happier if she was speaking to Zack about this right now rather than Danny.

But thankfully, they're speaking in text so Rachel won't have to hear the noise of anger he made, nor will he end up saying anything she doesn't need to hear in his frustration. It gives him a moment to take a breath to calm himself again, and respond in a less jealous manner.]

You might be right about that... Aunamee and I are rather similar like that, often thinking about an idealized version of things than the reality.

[Danny still does it even now, even if his focus has shifted away from Rachel in that regard: he is dating a man that can and easily kill him if he wanted to, but Danny can find it easy to convince himself that he won't out of some kind of genuine attachment rather than "because it's more interesting" to keep him alive to continue fawning over Aunamee.

It makes him wonder sometimes if Aunamee is also entertaining some kind of idealized version of Danny in his mind, but it's better not to ask. At least for now. This isn't about Danny right now.]

Edited 2022-03-11 18:43 (UTC)

[The message comes late at night.]

Rachel. Dear Rachel.

[A long pause.]

Are you still alive?

[It's some time before Rachel replies -- not from uncertainty or any other reason to hesitate. She's just gotta get ready for bed after coming home from work. When she finally settles in for her last network sweep of the night, her insides feel cold. Was this good? Or bad?

Either way, her answer is the same. She isn't a liar.]

I'm alive right now.

[He doesn't explain what's happening. Not yet. His fingers move forward on their own accord.]

Do you promise to try to keep yourself alive, dear Rachel? Do you promise to fight the darkness within you?

[Even though she didn't know what to expect, this still comes as a surprise. Hm...]

...
I don't want to die here. You know my memories are precious to me.

If you're asking about that place I came from...then no. I'm not alive. Zack and I fulfilled our promise.

I understand now why you made that promise, dear Rachel. I understand everything.

You betrayed because you thought I might leave you. Isn't that right?

[...She doubts that, but okay. She's on thin ice already.

But...he seems ready to listen to her. If she had a heart, it would be beating a little faster.]

It's complicated.
I didn't like you paying attention to her, but if I said something... I knew you'd want to make me jealous. So I talked to her in secret. I just wanted you to stop.
But then she understood.

[It's good that she's had time to think everything through in the safety of her Hill House room, even if her thoughts aren't nailed down.]

She told me why she was seeing the doctor, so I think I understand your reasons.
Just
it was another way for you to be in her life. I didn't want that. I didn't want you trying to make me feel envious or worthless.
I didn't know she'd tell everyone or that Mukuro would attack Dr. Danny.
I promise.

I believe you, Rachel.

Something has happened to my mind. It's tilted, somehow. Things I previously couldn't understand are crystal clear. Other things escape me.

[ — oh.]

Are you okay? Do you need help?

No. I suspect this condition is temporary, like everything else in this world.

When it ebbs, I fear that I'll kill you.

I understand the feeling...
It would be too nice for all our ideals to match
or if people didn't keep getting hurt this way

[That's going off schedule for this place... Concerning. The rest is a little more familiar, not that she likes seeing it.]

I'd rather you didn't.

But then...why didn't you before when you broke my watch? Why would you do it now, even though you believe me?

I've lost the taste for killing. When it returns, dear Rachel, I worry that I'll behave with the uncouthness of a starving man.

You deserve better than that. Even now, even after I've hurt you so dearly, you ask me if I need help. Why should you fall to my hands?

You're mysomeone precious to me.

[Of course she would offer help. Especially since this is making her sort of uncomfortable, even if she appreciates it. Just...what happened? What is this? Hello??]

I don't want you to kill me. If it's what you want, should I promise now not to let you?

[...ACTUALLY --]

You won't really starve, will you? If you can't kill someone, then I can bring you something already dead. Would that work for a lich?

Yes, Rachel. Promise not to let me kill you.

As for feeding, I am well taken care of. I killed a man at the beginning of the month, and I'll

[A breath. A pause.]

kill another as necessary. What does it feel like for you, Rachel? When you kill?

I promise. I won't let you kill me. I made the same promise to Zack once, and the only reason I would have allowed him to then was because I refused to let some woman turn us into her tools. If you do kill me, it will be by my choice alone.

[Have fun with that challenge when the magic wears off, Aunamee.]

Most of the time I don't feel anything.

You don't. Of course you don't. That was what made us so similar, isn't it?

I feel terrible when I kill now, dear Rachel. I feel like the monster everyone says I am.

Edited 2022-03-15 14:10 (UTC)

[Woof. Woof.]

I think that's okay. I don't think it's true, either.

I know it's wrong. When I say I'm not someone that deserves to live, it's because I know that the world doesn't have a place for someone like me. People like us "shouldn't" exist.

But we still exist. We exist and we make our choices. It's up to us to accept ourselves how we are. Zack was someone made to feel like a monster, too, for all sorts of reasons. He was human. That meant he wasn't a perfect being, but he was Zack and all his mistakes and promises. That's what I love about him.

I still love you, too. It doesn't matter to me that we're "wrong".

Edited 2022-03-15 21:05 (UTC)

[I still love you, too, she says, even after everything.

There's a pause. ]

I changed my mind, Rachel. Dear Rachel. Can I see you?

[Her heart -- the metaphorical one, since her slime body doesn't allow for anything close -- lifts with a hope she'd been teetering on the edge of since seeing his familiar username and words. He wants to see her. He said he understands why she did it, and he wants to see her.

...]

I don't know.
I want to.
Where would it be?

Where do you feel safe?

Ryslig | IC Inbox.

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<saturnschild>

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<saturnschild> cw: suicide

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