Rachel Gardner (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sweartoyou) wrote2018-04-06 10:45 am
sweartoyou) wrote2018-04-06 10:45 am
Ryslig | IC Inbox.
WELCOME TO YOUR PRIVATE CHANNEL, RACHEL GARDNER. FOR SECURE COMMUNICATION, USE 000.00.000.00 | ||||
I won't say that this makes things easy, but if I was concerned about it I could have just not told you. I knew what I was doing.
I'm really grateful that you told me.
I don't know if I could've figured it out on my own.
I don't know what he would've done, eventually.
I don't know if I could've figured it out on my own.
I don't know what he would've done, eventually.
It wasn't fair.
And...you've been kinder to me than you've had to. Even knowing the kind of person I am.
And...you've been kinder to me than you've had to. Even knowing the kind of person I am.
[ ... ]
I haven't been completely honest with you, Rachel.
I'm sorry. It's something not many people know about me, but I'm sure your dad does. I accidentally implied it to him. I also am sure Danny knows. It's why I went to him.
I'm not a good person, Rachel. I've killed innocent girls before I came here. Girls who were supposed to be my friends. Girls who relied on me. I know it was wrong. I didn't always. In my worse days, I find myself reverting to that way of thinking, but it never lasts.
That's why I was so focused on confidentiality. I didn't want anyone else knowing.
I haven't been completely honest with you, Rachel.
I'm sorry. It's something not many people know about me, but I'm sure your dad does. I accidentally implied it to him. I also am sure Danny knows. It's why I went to him.
I'm not a good person, Rachel. I've killed innocent girls before I came here. Girls who were supposed to be my friends. Girls who relied on me. I know it was wrong. I didn't always. In my worse days, I find myself reverting to that way of thinking, but it never lasts.
That's why I was so focused on confidentiality. I didn't want anyone else knowing.
[Oh. Hm.
...She doesn't know what to feel about this, or even if she feels anything at all. She's probably supposed to feel something.]
So we're the same... That's why he's interested.
Except you're still fighting to be better. ...And you were able to make friends in the first place. I'm not good at either of those things.
Why are you telling me?
...She doesn't know what to feel about this, or even if she feels anything at all. She's probably supposed to feel something.]
So we're the same... That's why he's interested.
Except you're still fighting to be better. ...And you were able to make friends in the first place. I'm not good at either of those things.
Why are you telling me?
Because after everything you've told me and done for me, it didn't seem right.
And maybe if I shared this piece of the puzzle sooner, we could've figured out what to do to get his attention off me and avoid all of this.
And maybe if I shared this piece of the puzzle sooner, we could've figured out what to do to get his attention off me and avoid all of this.
I don't know. Even if I know your feelings make sense, I don't know if I can imagine not wanting him to love me enough that my advice to someone else that was crazy would be any good.
Plus I might have seen you as a threat. That wouldn't have been good for you either.
Plus I might have seen you as a threat. That wouldn't have been good for you either.
A threat?
I can promise you, I am very uninterested in your dad being interested in me.
I can promise you, I am very uninterested in your dad being interested in me.
Yeah. I'm not worried about that.
It's more like...if he got a stomach ache from having too much candy, and he liked the kind he already had but they changed the wrapper. I thought you were a flavor that he was curious about trying, but wouldn't like in the end. If I'd known you were like me, who you are as a person would have been irrelevant. Even if I still worry that he might decide what he already has is boring in comparison, the way you've treated me means I don't feel the desire to hurt you just to limit his choices. It turns out I liked the new wrapper too.
It's more like...if he got a stomach ache from having too much candy, and he liked the kind he already had but they changed the wrapper. I thought you were a flavor that he was curious about trying, but wouldn't like in the end. If I'd known you were like me, who you are as a person would have been irrelevant. Even if I still worry that he might decide what he already has is boring in comparison, the way you've treated me means I don't feel the desire to hurt you just to limit his choices. It turns out I liked the new wrapper too.
[ ...Oh. ]
You think he'd want to throw you away because of me?
[ Rachel...deserves a better dad. Riley has thought this for awhile but this just kind of. Hammers that home. ]
I'm glad that despite all this you like me.
But that's a horrible thing to live in fear of.
You think he'd want to throw you away because of me?
[ Rachel...deserves a better dad. Riley has thought this for awhile but this just kind of. Hammers that home. ]
I'm glad that despite all this you like me.
But that's a horrible thing to live in fear of.
He expects a lot. He loves perfection, just like me...only he can't accept that sometimes less than perfect is the right amount of perfection. ...We haven't spoken a lot since I came back on the beach. I think he wishes I was still the way I was when we met.
I like talking to you. Even though I'm crazy, you try to listen. Even when it isn't about Dad. It doesn't feel like you're doing it for selfish reasons like you'd expect from someone else that wasn't a good person. And you like Molly.
I like talking to you. Even though I'm crazy, you try to listen. Even when it isn't about Dad. It doesn't feel like you're doing it for selfish reasons like you'd expect from someone else that wasn't a good person. And you like Molly.
Of course I try to listen.
[ ... ]
I'd be a hypocrite, if I didn't. I've been a hypocrite about it before. I don't ever want to again.
What were you like before when you two met? What is it that he thinks is more perfect than having a daughter that loves him?
[ ... ]
I'd be a hypocrite, if I didn't. I've been a hypocrite about it before. I don't ever want to again.
What were you like before when you two met? What is it that he thinks is more perfect than having a daughter that loves him?
It's really easy to be a hypocrite.
[She really doesn't know how Zack does it -- how Zack manages to avoid all those pitfalls she practically dug for herself when he wasn't even a "good" person.]
...I was going to say I was even more boring than I am now, which is true, but...
well
It's kind of embarrassing.
An empty little girl that believes with her whole heart that he's her god.
[She really doesn't know how Zack does it -- how Zack manages to avoid all those pitfalls she practically dug for herself when he wasn't even a "good" person.]
...I was going to say I was even more boring than I am now, which is true, but...
well
It's kind of embarrassing.
An empty little girl that believes with her whole heart that he's her god.
[ Oh. Yikes™ ]
You thought Aunamee was your god?
You thought Aunamee was your god?
[She said it was embarrassing!!!]
I really needed one when I first came here...and Dad offered me what I wanted. He knew who I was and still desired me. He said there was nothing to forgive.
...I was going through something. It made sense at the time.
I really needed one when I first came here...and Dad offered me what I wanted. He knew who I was and still desired me. He said there was nothing to forgive.
...I was going through something. It made sense at the time.
[ HONEY..... ]
I admit I'm not really a religious person. I don't really understand it a lot. But I've seen people get really, really into it and it kind of dictates their whole life.
[ Even Riley, world's most repressed teenager, wonders if maybe Annleigh O'Daniel would be happier if she just fucked her boyfriend. ]
Was it kind of like that?
I admit I'm not really a religious person. I don't really understand it a lot. But I've seen people get really, really into it and it kind of dictates their whole life.
[ Even Riley, world's most repressed teenager, wonders if maybe Annleigh O'Daniel would be happier if she just fucked her boyfriend. ]
Was it kind of like that?
Edited 2021-09-17 23:43 (UTC)
[She definitely would have been.]
Not exactly... Maybe?
I can explain to you what happened if you want to know more about me, but I'm not sure it will make any more sense than it does now. I'm still delusional, but I was much worse then. I hadn't accepted myself yet.
Not exactly... Maybe?
I can explain to you what happened if you want to know more about me, but I'm not sure it will make any more sense than it does now. I'm still delusional, but I was much worse then. I hadn't accepted myself yet.
You say you're delusional, but you sound logical right now.
Or at least you know the things you believe aren't what most people believe?
I don't know. I wouldn't be not interested but maybe not today. I'm sure you're tired from all of this too.
Or at least you know the things you believe aren't what most people believe?
I don't know. I wouldn't be not interested but maybe not today. I'm sure you're tired from all of this too.
Right. I know things aren't real even if they feel that way. Things like my birdie happily singing with me when I had it or my toys talking to me. Obviously those things can't happen, but they do for me sometimes. But even when they made those things go away at the facility, I didn't think like someone normal.
It's a lot.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more. It looks like most people believe you, though.
It's a lot.
I'm sorry I can't say anything more. It looks like most people believe you, though.
[ She wants to tell Rachel there's nothing wrong with her. But it...does sound like she's what they would medically call delusional. And yet...she's so aware of it. How must it be to live like that? To accept that you're crazy and just let it be? To not...hide it?
She can't address it right now. ]
It's okay. Really.
Honestly you've done more than enough, Rachel. I don't want you to paint a spotlight on yourself. I can deal with the scrutiny as long as you're safe.
She can't address it right now. ]
It's okay. Really.
Honestly you've done more than enough, Rachel. I don't want you to paint a spotlight on yourself. I can deal with the scrutiny as long as you're safe.
[she's feelin' GREAT, but also hm there was that whole thing where Dr. Danny was her therapist for a long time? Surely that isn't...too relevant.]
Okay.
You be safe too, Miss Riley.
...And I know it's difficult, but if there are more people like Mukuro that want to deal with this through violence... Please try to stop them. It's better if this all goes away instead.
Okay.
You be safe too, Miss Riley.
...And I know it's difficult, but if there are more people like Mukuro that want to deal with this through violence... Please try to stop them. It's better if this all goes away instead.
[ Yeah she's gonna uhhhhhh COME BACK TO THAT. If Danny kinda fucked her up, Riley wonders...just what he did to Rachel. ]
I will. Please believe me, I didn't want Mukuro to go after him. I don't want it all to keep escalating.
I will. Please believe me, I didn't want Mukuro to go after him. I don't want it all to keep escalating.
< r.gardner > can't believe I fucked up and had her call her mukuro last tag
sweartoyou
2021-09-19 03:41 am (UTC)(link)
I know. That's what Miss Ikusaba said too.
I figure they're more likely to listen to you. If they don't, don't think that's your fault. We both know how people feel about Dad, and now the doctor...
I figure they're more likely to listen to you. If they don't, don't think that's your fault. We both know how people feel about Dad, and now the doctor...
I'll make them listen to me.
If they keep going after them, it will only make everything worse. I won't let it get worse.
I won't.
[ ...It's possible this is a glimpse into what Aunamee sees in Riley. That driven nature to...fix it. ]
If they keep going after them, it will only make everything worse. I won't let it get worse.
I won't.
[ ...It's possible this is a glimpse into what Aunamee sees in Riley. That driven nature to...fix it. ]
Miss Gardner.
It's Atem.
Thanks for what you did. I know I asked you for something impossible...but it meant a lot that you were willing to try. And that you didn't leave, until it was over.
It's Atem.
Thanks for what you did. I know I asked you for something impossible...but it meant a lot that you were willing to try. And that you didn't leave, until it was over.
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